Sunday, March 05, 2006
sorry
Sorry...Well shit happens...
First, one of my frns has a problem... I feel for him, going through a tough time now.. Which got me thinking, what if...
Well off i go thinkin again. I dont wish to think about the future. I just want to live in the present, enjoy my life peacefully and be carefree. Dont wish to hurt people, for it'll just store more guilt in me. Guilt stores in me for im given this mind, which has a good memory. If i remember something important to me, i seldom forget it. I once fractured my younger sis's arm when we were playing as younger childern.. I was playin soccer by myself and she wanted to join me so we started playing. I kicked the ball, it hit her and she fell down and fractured her arm. I still remembered that day. I was full of guilt, thinking that i had broken her arm. I clearly remember my parents were furious with me.
The guilt is still here in me, though little but is somewhere in there. I made it a point to treat my sis better just becos of that. Though sometimes she gets on my nerves, she's still my lil sis and deep down i care.
Next, last night my elder sis was quralling wif her bf. It was 230am and i heard her shouting and crying.. I was about to sleep then but decided to wait for her to finish then check on her. And so i waited for about an hour when she finally finished. Checked on her for a while before going to sleep..
On saturday i woke up at 11+. Slpt at 4 woke up at 11 to help my dad do some wiring of the house. Spent the whole day lazing around, slacking and playing.
At night, when i went out to watch tv,i saw my dad in the living room, watching a video on his laptop. It was a video from his office... Well i watched part of it while eating my dinner and this really got me thinking again.
I finally understood how he feels, a rough patch of time this is for him. Guilt struck me this time. Cold and hard.. How patient he has been with me even though its a rough time for him. He gives me a foot and i take the whole acre, and he allows me to take it whole. It is only when i go overboard and want the world, then he finally get angry. Im wrong, im sorry, ive been selfish, unfilial, un co-operative at times. Im sorry. Im just so selfish, i dont know why. You only know how to care for me and love me, but yet i dont see this until now.
Im sorry but no matter how many times i apologise, it still wont be enough to get rid of this guilt,that has been hidden in me for so long. Im sorry dad, i doubt that you will ever stumble across this but im sorry..Sorry for being the thrash i am, for being so selfish...
Sorry Dad.
-I wept today for i finally understood. How can i clear this guilt? A life time of debt i owe to you for bringing me up so well, yet i turned my back on you many many times, and yet each time u only smiled and welcomed me back with open arms.-
I know not everyone is so fortunate to be like me, but love your parents for they are the ones u owe your life to.
On another frequency..
-I dont want to hurt you, thats why im afraid. It feels funny and if it has to ever end, please be the one to hurt me instead of me hurting you. This stone heart of mine is thick enough to take everything but guilt.-
First, one of my frns has a problem... I feel for him, going through a tough time now.. Which got me thinking, what if...
Well off i go thinkin again. I dont wish to think about the future. I just want to live in the present, enjoy my life peacefully and be carefree. Dont wish to hurt people, for it'll just store more guilt in me. Guilt stores in me for im given this mind, which has a good memory. If i remember something important to me, i seldom forget it. I once fractured my younger sis's arm when we were playing as younger childern.. I was playin soccer by myself and she wanted to join me so we started playing. I kicked the ball, it hit her and she fell down and fractured her arm. I still remembered that day. I was full of guilt, thinking that i had broken her arm. I clearly remember my parents were furious with me.
The guilt is still here in me, though little but is somewhere in there. I made it a point to treat my sis better just becos of that. Though sometimes she gets on my nerves, she's still my lil sis and deep down i care.
Next, last night my elder sis was quralling wif her bf. It was 230am and i heard her shouting and crying.. I was about to sleep then but decided to wait for her to finish then check on her. And so i waited for about an hour when she finally finished. Checked on her for a while before going to sleep..
On saturday i woke up at 11+. Slpt at 4 woke up at 11 to help my dad do some wiring of the house. Spent the whole day lazing around, slacking and playing.
At night, when i went out to watch tv,i saw my dad in the living room, watching a video on his laptop. It was a video from his office... Well i watched part of it while eating my dinner and this really got me thinking again.
I finally understood how he feels, a rough patch of time this is for him. Guilt struck me this time. Cold and hard.. How patient he has been with me even though its a rough time for him. He gives me a foot and i take the whole acre, and he allows me to take it whole. It is only when i go overboard and want the world, then he finally get angry. Im wrong, im sorry, ive been selfish, unfilial, un co-operative at times. Im sorry. Im just so selfish, i dont know why. You only know how to care for me and love me, but yet i dont see this until now.
Im sorry but no matter how many times i apologise, it still wont be enough to get rid of this guilt,that has been hidden in me for so long. Im sorry dad, i doubt that you will ever stumble across this but im sorry..Sorry for being the thrash i am, for being so selfish...
Sorry Dad.
-I wept today for i finally understood. How can i clear this guilt? A life time of debt i owe to you for bringing me up so well, yet i turned my back on you many many times, and yet each time u only smiled and welcomed me back with open arms.-
I know not everyone is so fortunate to be like me, but love your parents for they are the ones u owe your life to.
On another frequency..
-I dont want to hurt you, thats why im afraid. It feels funny and if it has to ever end, please be the one to hurt me instead of me hurting you. This stone heart of mine is thick enough to take everything but guilt.-
